I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
