If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
If its not for food we ain't going out.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
