Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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