i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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