The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
