Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Randomize
