someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
