Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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