Pregnant stripper...not hot.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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