i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
