I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
