dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
you never un-have a 4some
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
