If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
