I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
