I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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