i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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