Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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