Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
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are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
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you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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