Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
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Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
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I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
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