He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
