I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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