Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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