I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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