You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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