I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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