I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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