i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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