Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
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