hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
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I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
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I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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