I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
this just has baby written all over it
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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