In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
