Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
