someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
