My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
