I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
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she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
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your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
You are a genius and a whore.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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