You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
