Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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