Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
