do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
