Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
i used baking grease as lip gloss
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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