I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize