He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
