Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
