bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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