I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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