You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
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Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
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WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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