why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
