Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
