I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
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my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
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ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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