We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
