Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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