oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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