I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
