There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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