i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
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Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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