why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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